To review a friendship...

Oh, where do I begin?

Let's begin with my admission, that this friendship ending was my doing and mine alone. My intention for this entry is not to expose the other person, but to expose myself. (Forgive the weird choice of words.)

Dear discerning readers, I have been compelled to go against human nature and take responsibility for something that went wrong in my life. Something that went wrong during a time of bitterness and resentment, when I thought I was not in the wrong. It has been one of the hardest times for me as I've spent countless hours recounting good and bad, rummaging through excuses and lamenting over lost time. Where did my friendship go awry?

After too many ideas, the very last one presented to me were my own expectations.

Expectations…

The friendship-- its twists and turns-- clarified my definition of a friend, for me. Over time I was able to gather a list of what I wanted in an ideal companion, or, in more specific terms, a best friend. It became easy to see what I liked and what I didn't enjoy. Instead of expressing those desires, afraid of hurting their feelings, I bottled them up and constantly placed the person beside a near perfect standard that they were unable to achieve in that phase of their life.

(What the heck is a "Best friend"? Thanks a lot, Hollywood.)

You see, there were times when I didn't vision this person as a person, but as a savior. They were everything fun and supportive and all that I needed in that depressing era of my late teenage life, because they had to be. I couldn't see past them. Who would understand me as well as they did, ever? So they must be the best-est of friends, no matter what.

Gosh, how ignorant, and how freaking awful I helped things to become...

In truth, I had originally planned to expose many details of my experience. As I typed with fury, my page began to look more and more like my diary than a document that I would want to share with others. I was creating a map of my feelings. There was still much to understand about my desires and why they are so important to me.

But therein lies the missing key…

MY desires. MY vision. MY beliefs. Those special qualities that I consider in a companion are mine only. The other person had their own definition of a best friend and had different emotional needs. It took me so long to acknowledge the very obvious fact that every person on this Earth defines friendship differently and my definition, as wonderful as it is, does not and would not work for everyone. 

Could it really be true that not everyone values the same special, honest, endearing and enduring qualities that I value?? But I'm such a good person! My goodness, how laughable my attitude was!

You guys, my mind was blown. It saddened me a little but the clarity was worth it.

Truly, I've written so many versions of this post, but they all led to a selfish place. There is nothing wrong with taking my desires seriously. I believe many beautiful things could come out of the qualities I want. Those desires I have for a golden friendship, they are valid. Growth. Trust. Loyalty. Accountability. The ability to sit together in silence without awkwardness and also talk together into the small hours. But those qualities aren't forced. As much as they mean to me, no one else can have my heart or my experience, which is where these qualities were conceived.

You see, I grew up telling myself a lie. After a few instances of innocent abandonment in childhood, when I saw the people I treasured most, go off to play and smile more than they did while with me, my self-esteem began to die. 

Was it my extra large t-shirt size, or my skin color or my hair texture? Was it my family, or my quiet, less than rambunctious nature? Or was it just harsh, normal reality being viewed through the lens of an adolescent who didn't know any better than "he/she spends more time with him/her so I must not be good enough"? Then the disappointment seemed to repeat itself well into my late teens. I hate to say it but it left a mark, a trauma that only God could scrub away, except I wouldn't let Him.

But now I know better. My lens is a lot less foggy. 

Of course, I feel that this person did me wrong, too. However, what can I do about that? Absolutely nothing. I guess this post is still a bit selfish, in a way, because it all comes down to me and my actions. 

I didn't feel right about it. 

I depended on them way too much.

I ended it. It's that simple. And my ignorant self tried to make it more complicated.

I hope the world makes a little more sense for everyone involved. And I hope they gain the same clarity I did: find a friend in Jesus before trying to find one in the world.♢