You're minding your own business, leading a productive day in the life when, BAM! you come to the knowledge that:
Your special someone has been cheating on you.
OR
That super important appointment you made a month ago was canceled without any indication until the scheduled day.
OR
Your boss informs you, without any prior warning, that the specific work you do today will be reviewed by the higher ups who are making a surprise visit tomorrow, or better yet, right before the end of your shift today.
ORRRRRR
You have melanin. In America. That's it.
ORRRRRRRRRREEEEEE
You can't finish your pasta so you have to decide whether you want to throw the rest away or risk embarrassment by getting up to ask for a to-go box.
OR
You got a less than acceptable grade on a test that you studied your hardest for and know very well that you're in for the parental tongue lashing of your life when you get home.
WHAT DO ALL OF THESE SCENARIOS HAVE IN COMMON?
~Stress & Anxiety~
"Bitch, you guessed it."
My discerning readers, this is a third entry in a series exploring my years long struggle with food, and it wouldn't be complete without taking a hard look at anxiety.
I'm not looking up the studies but I think we all can easily assume that anxiety is ravaging our society unlike any other mental or physical illness we are facing. How many of those examples above have you experienced yourself? Furthermore, how many of these kind of instances do you deal with on a daily or weekly basis?
I wish daily that my anxieties would vanish. For every trouble that makes my heart beat uncontrollably, makes my hands tremble and my mind juggle all sorts of horrible outcomes-- aka the fight or flight response-- I must take initiative to calm myself before I unintentionally cause harm. For years, that is what food has been for me.
Food is my comfort.
It's amazing how the human body was made; all that we eat is used in some way to bring the body back to a homeostasis from the stresses recently put upon it. We eat ginger to ease nausea. We eat turmeric to decrease inflammation. Well, junk food or American comfort food serves a purpose, too. It isn't healthy in the long run but it does fill an immediate need.
So, actually, junk food is unlike the other two because while the former have long lasting benefits, the effects of junk food do not last very long at all. A substance we take to ease symptoms of the body and mind is called a drug.
Food is my drug.
Guess what: if you habitually eat fast, happy-hormone-releasing foods in response to the negative things happening to you, and you miss it like a loved one when it's gone, you're on a drug. Period.
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
I am very happy to know this. I am now forced to examine my daily life, to pinpoint where the stress comes from, who it comes from, and note my immediate feelings and reaction to it. This is the first step to real change, besides realizing I have a problem.
The effect of a constant anxiety has not only shaped my body and mind but my personality as well. A fear of being manipulated has frozen my confidence. When asked for my opinion or desires, I normally react in a very shy, undecided kind of way. My tendency is to go with the flow, to not disturb anyone else's plans or give a reason for others to question their motives.
At one time my brother asked me where I wanted to go for dinner. Our sister or mother usually had more preferences so my immediate response was, "Wherever they want to go is fine with me." He then had to repeat himself as he had asked me where I wanted to eat, not them. I had my own preferences but strangely, I couldn't think of them in the moment because I was not accustomed to considering myself.
The effect of a constant anxiety has not only shaped my body and mind but my personality as well. A fear of being manipulated has frozen my confidence. When asked for my opinion or desires, I normally react in a very shy, undecided kind of way. My tendency is to go with the flow, to not disturb anyone else's plans or give a reason for others to question their motives.
At one time my brother asked me where I wanted to go for dinner. Our sister or mother usually had more preferences so my immediate response was, "Wherever they want to go is fine with me." He then had to repeat himself as he had asked me where I wanted to eat, not them. I had my own preferences but strangely, I couldn't think of them in the moment because I was not accustomed to considering myself.
I knew what it was like to be guilted into feeling or doing something unpleasant, or coerced to behave contrary to how I was feeling ("You're suppose to say good morning" "You're suppose to smile" "If you're not going to be grateful, you can leave." "You'll have more fun if we do this instead of what you wanted to do.") I couldn't bring myself to even approach being handed control of the wishes and feelings of others. Such a power is easily abused.
♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦
Anxiety is finely woven into everything we do, so much so that instead of using our precious time growing like a fruiting tree, we must spend that time constantly replenishing the calm stolen from our spirits. We have to find something, anything that produces a feeling to overcome the dis-ease inside us. If unchecked, it becomes not only what we do but who we are. An obese person, an alcoholic, a smoker.
What if, instead, we were a painter, an athlete, a musician? What if we possessed the power to effortlessly turn our stresses into the most beautiful art forms? I often wonder how an artist's pain was translated so well into their song or dance. I bet it takes practice.
The people who cause the most stress in my life don't know that's what they represent to me. They don't know what I do to cope with my exposure to them. Except... they should know. After all, they have people in their life who make them anxious. What would make them think for a second that they aren't capable of the same affliction? I'm sure that if they had the courage to tell their oppressor how they felt outright, they wouldn't hold anything back. Maybe it's a matter of how much empathy one has, but it would break my heart to be given a report like that. However, I would listen and I would apply.
This begs my discerning readers to be self-aware. The ways in which we are treated and handle anxiety first begins by looking inward at how we react to the triggers around us, how we manage our relationships. There's a great deal in this world that we can't control, and honestly, if we were given any more control than our basic rights allow us, it wouldn't end well for us. The last thing you ever want to do is steal free will, for what we sow, we reap. The only person we can control is ourselves. Working on that skill alone is a huge endeavor that must not be taken lightly by any of us.
My eyes are being opened to the things I once tried to dull and sweep under the rug due to a distracted lifestyle, a reality rife with anxieties around every corner that I never had time to cope with healthily. A bright future begins when I release food's control over my emotions. It might take a while but I'm working on it and that's what matters.♢
